The experience of Manic-Depressive Disorder

(This is coming from experience of someone I know, with the permission from him to reprint. This experience may not be suitable for fainthearted.)
When I was almost in the last year of my Middle School, my heart is broken when the girl friend that I fell in love intensely demand our break-up. What I immediately did the coming day in the school is gather all the sleeping pills from home, since my parents has sleeping problems, then in afternoon I swallow maybe over 30 of them. Then I lost track of what happened in the afternoon until I found myself in hospital. For maybe next 6 months, I forgot how many times I attempted to kill myself. Just later my father almost have to hire a lawyer to fetch me from the hospital. I don’t know the term Clinical Depression at that time, it is only later when I read about Psychology then I know that term. My situation is actually more complex than that.
My first feeling is a psychosomatic feeling of heartbreaking, literally something is sank in my heart. I found it difficult to breath or swallow. Then the next morning what I notice of myself is that my face has no facial expression, and every minute in the School, my only thought is about the girl who betray me. Not even a single word from teachers has enter my mind. Then in the last lesson, I break out in tears. It does appear that however the tears I shed, that is nothing compare to the passion I have on that girl. My hope is completely broken. The next logical step is stop the suffering by self-annihilation, the methods doesn’t matter.
However, a weeks later, the despondence mood turn into a feeling of emptiness and boring. I lost interest in absolutely anything include Psychology, Mathematics and Politics. I borrow books from library only to return untouched. I sleep very early but can’t fall asleep. I never had any sleeping trouble before, it appears now the trouble is getting any sleep at all. But strangely, I don’t feel any tired at all. Tired and not doesn’t make any different on me, nothing ever happen make any difference to me. The world is like a glass from me.
Then 2 weeks later which the usually dramatic person lost all my crowns, suddenly regain my energy. Somehow I manage to forgot that the whole love affair ever happened, and like I am free to love another one as I wish, and I am release from the prison of a damaging relationship. The energy maybe a little too much than my normal mood level since I am more active and busier than before. I found renewed interest in almost any girls I can find, and almost start chasing them immediately. Although my friends already get use to my previous level of activity, but they all consider my behavior is outside my mind. I know there is something wrong but I can’t stopped it. Because as soon as this period of elation disappear, the dejection feeling come back to haunt me. I am, in a sense, to hide my pain and meaningless feeling in my heart. It is better to overdo than doing nothing.
That circle of artificial elation alternating with despondence repeated for four to five times, with the intensity of mood deviation decrease while the duration increase. That ended in my first year of University which I consciously decided to give her up forever, and openly talk to my friend about it, then attempt to pursue other relationships. What I believe is that the manic phase has completely receded, while the depressive mood still attack me occasionally until now.
I thought I finally come to terms with myself. I could suppress the suicidal thought with the notion that I can’t succeed in any plan of suicide unless I am in a sound mood (which leave other a mess to clear up), but when I am in sound mood then why would I think of silly thing like killing myself? If I ever kill myself, I would certainly do it in a way that nobody can save; otherwise I simply wouldn’t do it.

~ 由 newnewhkcc1976 於 六月 22, 2008.


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