The experience of Obsessive Compulsion Disorder

(This is again reprinted with permission from one of the friend I know, again it contain material not suitable for anyone has a faint heart.)
Talk about Obsession and Compulsion, none can have a clearer idea than what I have experience. I never see myself as someone out of ordinary. In a capitalistic society, the obsession with wealth and power is what defined us, these who wish to live a simple and peaceful life should never have lived in our society. They shouldn’t exist in the first place. This is our world, this world is all about money, wealth, material possession, power and sex.
I obsesses with different object at different stage of my psychological development, to put in a frenzy term. One of the most persistent urge of me is female young and old, I can’t live a day without thinking about them, looking at their picture(preferably naked or in act of greatest nature beauty). So when I was in High School, I obsess with a girl so I literally with her almost 24 hours a day. She is either physically present, emotionally and intellectually present in my mind. I talk to her, I write to her, I walk with her, I go everywhere with her for whole three months of our short but intense affair. If there is any attractiveness of my part in her, that must be my unexplainable obsession with her. When I date her; I smell her, touch her, taste her anywhere in every chance I got. Would I ever care about anything about the school given such an obsession with her?
When there is a time that we really at separate places, phone is such a magic tool that connect us together(It is fortunate that where I live is such a nice place that telephone company doesn’t charge by minute, otherwise I would have to own a telephone company to afford my own calls!). If not, then I can give myself some training of my English by writing her. Given I had done all three, I still have spare time to analyze her psychologically from all the Psychological theories I know of. Since she like Psychology, so I spent day and night read every books I can get my hands on about psychology. Within 3 months, I had completed all the reading necessary for the first year of University Psychology. She like tender bear, I spent all my money to buy anything what she want without a second of consideration (yet I save my cost by walking back and fro from my home to hers.) I almost empty my bank account by doing that. She is my life, she is my future and she will be my wife, so everything of mine will become hers. And I am no one but hers. My name is pointless unless in reference to her.
It is thus no surprise after I break-up with her, I went through the most severe Depression that any man can have. Because in my mind, I already emptied my own content and filled my heart with my obsession: Her. When she take away our relationship, it is no different from taking myself from me. What am I left of when I can no longer obsesses with what I am rightful to be obsess with? I maintain my obsession with her for whole 4 years of University, and never dated any girl despite their interest in me until last year. That is 13 years after I first meet her. It is not that I am no longer obsessive-compulsive about something, it is just that I switch my obsession to something more tangible: Success and money. Maybe some part of my mind is still thinking: If I am successful and rich, she would just come back to me one day!

~ 由 newnewhkcc1976 於 23 六月, 2008.


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